Tales of the Gotei 13
by Elle917
Summary: AU, companion fic to Phases of the Moon and Chasing the Moon. Because one can never have too many omakes. A collection of silly one-shots and stories. HitsuKarin, IchiRuki, ByaYuzu, and all the other characters from the canon and my AU that you all know and (maybe) love.
1. Living Quarters

**A/N: **So sometimes, I have too many omake ideas for my main fics, _Phases of the Moon _and _Chasing the Moon. _Rather than let those ideas stew in my head and take time away from writing actual scenes, I decided I might as well just put them all in a separate series, like this one. These fics are only loosely connected to each other, are probably going to be drabble one-shots, and may actually be fluffy but will probably just be silly. Timeline-wise, anything within the _Chasing/Phases/Trials _continuity is fair game. If the timing of a fic is important, I'll say when it is. If not, whatever you imagine works.

If you're just joining us and haven't read _Phases, Trials, _or _Chasing, _welcome! Glad you're here! You may be a bit confused with this series. Maybe start with Phases? If you don't mind Bleach silliness without much context, though, read on. The only thing you need to know is that Yuzu and Karin are shinigami. Oh, also, Yuzu is in the 6th, Karin's in the 11th, Karin and Toshiro are dating, Yuzu has a shoujo-anime-esque-level crush on Byakuya, and I was **_so totally close_**with my guess for Isshin. See my rant in _Trials _for the full explanation.

By the way, anything labeled Q&A, like this particular story, means audience participation is totally allowed. You can ask questions, and I will try to answer them in character. Unlike _Trials,_ which has a completely shattered fourth wall for its omakes, though, the fourth wall is (mostly) intact here. So I'm going to phrase your questions as coming from random shinigami. Okay, onto this chapter!

This particular chapter was inspired by a list made by the Bleachlists tumblr, which described how different shinigami sleep. I read the last few list items, and this pretty much wrote itself.

By the way, that blog stole my soul this weekend. _ Just thought you should know.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. At all.

* * *

**Seireitei Communication Presents: **

**Q & A with the Shinigami Women's Association**

_Hey there, readers! Iwase Kohaku, here, with a brand new column for Seireitei Communications. A lot of you have questions about your favorite shinigami, and we, the Women's Association, are always ready to satisfy your curiosity (using totally legal ways, I swear!). Today's question was from an anonymous Academy student, who seems a little concerned with what living quarters in the Gotei 13 are like. I understand that, nameless Academy student. Academy dorms sucked. _

_Anyway, to sate your curiosity, I decided to start with the craziest Division on the roster—the Eleventh! (Alright, fine, the Twelfth is craziest, but if I had Ichimaru Gin's sword, I still wouldn't touch it.)._

_Here we go! _

* * *

**Captain: Zaraki Kenpachi**

"Um...so, this is your room, Zaraki-taicho?" asked Kohaku, peering at the captain's quarters from the door with her notepad in her hand. The room in front of her was wide and spacious, like most captain's quarters, but mostly empty, with slash marks in the tatami, walls, and ceiling. She decided to ignore those for now, along with the hole in the wall and the suspicious stains that looked like blood. "It...doesn't have that much in it, does it?"

"What do you mean?" asked Zaraki, scowling. "It's got all it needs. A bed, lots of space to train, space to do your hair..."

Kohaku glanced around the room, deciding it was best to get this over with quickly. "If you say so," she said.

"Right there's the box where I keep all my stuff," said Zaraki, gesturing at the corner of the room. "And there's where I sleep. Any questions."

"Just one...is that your zanpakuto under your pillow?"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"Nothing, Zaraki-taicho!" said Kohaku, writing faster.

* * *

**Vice-Captain: Kusajishi Yachiru**

"Glasses-chan! You came to do the interview! I'm so happy!"

"Well, you did ask me to do it, President, so here I am," said Kohaku, smiling.

"Great!" Yachiru clapped her hands together, giggling. "Alright, let me show you around. Here's my bed. It's pink. Here are my stuffed animals, Tsuru-chan, and Rugi-chan! When you put their names together, it becomes Tsurugi, like a sword. It's cute, isn't it? One time Mayurin got his hands on them, so now they randomly explode. It's so much fun! Anyway, here's my stash of candy. It's full right now because Byakushi gave me all his Valentine's chocolate. I think he likes me! This is the scooter Baldy gave me. This is my favorite sleeping pillow! It feels like a marshmallow. And here's the pillow I use for Sankecchi!"

Kohaku blinked, pausing in her note-taking. "San...kecchi?" she asked.

"My zanpakuto, Sanpo Kenju!" said Yachiru. "Sankecchi's her nickname. She likes it. She sleeps right here, next to me."

"You...sleep with your zanpakuto, President?" asked Kohaku, droplets of sweat forming on the back of her head.

"Of course I do!" said Yachiru, frowning. "Otherwise Sankecchi will get lonely. Tsuru-chan and Rugi-chan join us too. Sometimes they explode."

"Yes, I got that part."

* * *

**Third Seat: Madarame Ikkaku**

"Well, this looks...fairly normal," said Kohaku, glancing at Ikkaku's quarters.

"You say that like it's weird or something," said Ikkaku, frowning at her.

"Nah," said Kohaku. "I just started with Zaraki-taicho and Kusajishi-fukutaicho, so anything standard issue looks strange to me now."

"What are you talking about?" asked Ikkaku, narrowing his eyes. "Are you saying there's something wrong with the captain and vice-captain?"

"N-N-No, not at all!" said Kohaku, waving her hands quickly and taking a step back. "They're, just...uh...special?"

Ikkaku frowned at her suspiciously before relenting, taking a step back. "Anyway, you've seen it. Anything else you wanna know?"

"Tell me you don't sleep with your zanpakuto," said Kohaku.

"Of course not," said Ikkaku. "That would be weird."

Kohaku let out a sigh of relief.

"I sleep with my hand on it. You know. Just in case. Plus it's kinda comforting. You know, Hozukimaru isn't very cuddly, but he's there. It's nice."

Kohaku blinked, stopping in her writing. Ikkaku glanced at her.

"That's...staying off the record, right?"

"If you say so."

* * *

**Fifth Seat: Ayasegawa Yumichika**

"I'm sure you must be shocked seeing my room after seeing all those other shinigami's rooms," said Yumichika, smiling at her from the door to his quarters. "After all, while I have the utmost respect for Zaraki-taicho, Kusajishi-fukutaicho and Ikkaku, none of them come close to my level of beauty."

"You have a vanity table," said Kohaku, blinking at Yumichika's room from the window. "A big one. With mirrors. And a four-poster bed. And a wardrobe?"

"Don't look so surprised, Iwase-san," said Yumichika, turning and resting a hand on his chin. "Perfection like this takes work, after all. Of course, I won't deny that I was helped by a natural level of beauty." He ran a hand through his hair, striking a pose. "All recruits should aspire to this level of perfection in their living quarters. After all, a good night's sleep is the foundation of a youthful appearance. A night tucked under the covers of a peaceful four-poster bed..."

Kohaku nodded, writing this down.

"...with a relaxing facial mask..."

She nodded again.

"...and a zanpakuto by your side. Such things are definitely essential!"

Kohaku blinked, stopping in her writing. Yumichika glanced at her, noticing that she was frozen there.

"...Was it something I said?" he asked.

* * *

**Fourth Seat: Kurosaki Karin**

"Does everyone in your Division sleep with their swords?!" asked Kohaku, opening the door into Karin's room.

The shinigami in question was sitting on the floor, along with Hitsugaya Toshiro and her sister, Yuzu. Kurosaki Ichigo stood leaning against the wall, his arms folded. The four of them appeared to be looking for something in one of boxes Karin had brought over from the Academy. Ichigo and Yuzu blinked at her, before turning towards Karin.

"Don't look at me," said Karin, turning away from them. "I don't do that."

Toshiro's eyes widened, and he turned towards her. "Yes, you do!" he said.

"Oh, come on!" said Karin, turning towards him. "That was one time! Let it go!"

"Well, once was enough!" said Toshiro.

"Toshiro..." said Ichigo, his hand clenching into a fist. He took a step forward, his eyes landing on Toshiro. "How do you know that...?"

"I'll deal with you later!" said Toshiro, turning back to Karin. "We're not done talking about this! I still have the _scar_!"

Karin snorted, folding her arms and looking away. "Baby."

* * *

**END**

* * *

**Bonus: (Extra Omake? Omake Omake? Omake-ception!) **

"Tch," said Ichigo, leaning back against the veranda and resting his head on his hands. "That Toshiro. He doesn't even care what I think about him and Karin. He just does whatever the hell he wants..."

"Have you tried threatening him with physical violence?" asked Byakuya, sitting calmly in seiza next to him.

"I—." Ichigo blinked, looking up. "Was that...was that sarcasm?"

Byakuya said nothing, calmly taking a sip of his tea.


	2. Snacks

**A/N: **This one was inspired by _Color Bleach_, which is the same collection that gave the world the Seaweed Ambassador. In it, Momo's idea for something to represent the Fifth Division was cookies shaped like Aizen's glasses. So...apparently making captain-themed snacks is her thing.

And also, Ichigo and Momo (strawberry and peach). Cutest Division commander names ever.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. At all.

* * *

_At the Gotei 13 Fundraising Festival_**  
**

"For the last time," said Ichigo, scowling at the crowd of shinigami that had gathered around the Fifth Division's booth. In front of him were several trays of pastries, all baked into the shape of Zangetsu's shikai. "We have apple flavor, blueberry flavor, and chocolate flavor. We do _not _have strawberry flavor, and we do not have peach flavor! Stop asking! Seriously, those jokes are getting old!"

"What about strawberry _and _peach flavor?" asked Renji, raising his hand.

Ichigo twitched, glaring at him out of the corner of his eye. He reached for Zangetsu. "Taicho, don't—!" Hinamori shouted, as Ichigo suddenly vaulted over the stall, tackling Renji to the ground.

As a scuffle broke out in the center of the road, the group of shinigami standing with their backs to the Sixth Division's stall suddenly turned, glancing questioningly at its vice-captain. Yuzu sighed, her eyes fixed straight ahead of her as she stood in front of several trays of Seaweed Ambassador taiyaki.

"Yes," she said, her expression resigned. "We have yuzu flavor. Sadly, no, they don't come in any other shapes."

The group of shinigami slunk away, not meeting Yuzu's eyes. The trays of taiyaki remained untouched.

"What's with the thousand yard stare, fukutaicho?" asked Shiyougi from beside her, glancing at her.

"Oh, nothing, Shiyougi-san," said Yuzu, her expression unchanging. "Just questioning the captain's sanity. And my taste in men."

* * *

**END**


	3. Complaints

**A/N: **Something that went missing from _Chasing _was that the vice-captains totally have meetings too, where they handle tasks not quite important enough for captains to bother with. Those meetings tend to be a little serious, despite Yachiru's best efforts to make it not so.

Of course, sometimes the vice-captains decide to go out off the clock too. And then, all bets are off. What would they do if they got together, maybe at a bar or something to chat?

Would they whine about their captains?

Yes, they would totally whine about their captains.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. At all.

* * *

**First Division: Sasakibe Chojiro**

"I love working under Yamamoto-soutaicho, of course," said Sasakibe, sitting at the table with the other vice-captains and staring at his glass. "But sometimes, I wonder if I'm overshadowed by the man. I just...don't seem to have much of a presence, you know? Maybe it's just me." He took a sip of his drink.

* * *

**Second Division: Omaeda Marechiyo**

"Yeah, my captain," said Omaeda, scowling as he downed his drink. He held his cup out to Kira, who promptly refilled it. "She's always obsessed with Yoruichi, you know. Yoruichi this, Yoruichi that. Yoruichi isn't even in our Division anymore!" He raised his cup to his mouth, draining it again.

* * *

**Third Division: Kira Izuru**

"Abarai tries, but it's hard to see him as a captain," said Kira, already hunched over the table and holding onto a small pitcher of sake. He spoke in a soft monotone, his eyes downcast. "...Sometimes, I have nightmares that Ichimaru-taicho is back, or that he's secretly pretending to be Abarai-taicho. One time, he tried to call me by my first name. I had a flashback and attacked him. Since then, he locks his door when he sleeps."

Kira took another drink, then looked up when he noticed that everyone at the table was staring at him.

"...What?" he asked.

* * *

**Fourth Division: Kotetsu Isane**

"I mean, I love Unohana-taicho, don't get me wrong," said Isane, frowning as she considered her drink. "But it's just...impossible to say no to her, you know." She paled, looking up at the others. "She's scary."

Sympathetic nods followed her statement, and someone reached over to pat Isane on the back.

* * *

**Fifth Division: Hinamori Momo**

"It's not that I don't like Kurosaki-taicho," said Hinamori, looking guilty. "I do. It's just that sometimes I worry I'm not really over Aizen. I called the captain 'Aizen-taicho' once. In front of the whole Division. It was awkward."

* * *

**Sixth Division: Kurosaki Yuzu**

"I just..." Yuzu took a deep breath. "I just have serious problems with the Seaweed Ambassador, okay?"

* * *

**Seventh Division: Iba Tetsuzaemon**

"Komamura-taicho is a fantastic captain!" said Iba. "I couldn't ask for anyone better. But sometimes...well, this is a rumor...can you all keep this quiet? There's a rumor that Komamura-taicho...chews. On the furniture. There are teeth marks. And lately some of our subordinates' shoes have gone missing! I don't know what to say."

* * *

**Eighth Division: Ise Nanao**

"I—" Nanao stared down at her drink, her eyes wide as she gripped it tightly. Her hand was shaking. "I—I—."

"Alright!" said Rangiku, raising her glass. "Nanao-san, we're skipping you for now!"

"I—I—" Nanao went on.

* * *

**Tenth Division: Matsumoto Rangiku**

"My taicho just doesn't understand the value of relaxation," said Rangiku, fanning herself with one hand and taking a drink with the other. "It's always Matsumoto-this, Matsumoto-that! He always wants me to work!"

"Probably because you don't..." Isane muttered, exchanging a glance with Hinamori.

"...Ever," Hinamori added with a sigh.

"I just don't understand it!" Rangiku said.

* * *

**Eleventh Division: Kusajishi Yachiru**

"I don't know what's wrong with you all," said Yachiru, sipping at her orange juice through a straw. "Ken-chan is great! You guys all have problems!"

In the background, Nanao continued to stammer, babbling incoherently.

* * *

**Twelfth Division: Kurotsuchi Nemu**

"Occasionally, Mayuri-sama leaves the light on in the hallway after conducting late night experimentation," said Nemu. "I must admit I find this unpleasant."

There was a long pause, during which most of the vice-captains turned towards her.

"Wait? That's all you have to say?!" asked Rangiku.

Nemu frowned, turning towards her with something almost like confusion on her face. "Sometimes, he snores," she added.

* * *

**Thirteenth Division: Kuchiki Rukia**

"I have nothing but the utmost respect for Ukitake-taicho," said Rukia, glancing down at her cup. "But he is often sick...and running the Division by myself can be...challenging. And also Kiyone and Sentaro are very loud."

She raised her cup to her mouth, taking a long sip.

"Kyoraku-taicho!" shouted Nanao, loudly and unexpectedly. Rukia choked, nearly spitting out her drink. The other vice-captains jumped, turning towards her. "He is—he is—Kyoraku-taicho!"

"There, there," said Yuzu, patting Nanao on the back as she gripped her cup harder, still shaking.

"Don't worry, Nanao-san," said Rangiku, smiling. She leaned over, pouring Nanao another drink. "The nice thing about things like this is that we can all be here for each other! Here, drink some more. It will make you feel better!"

"Yes," said Hinamori, smiling. "It is nice that we can all support each other. Being a vice-captain is not easy, after all."

"Agreed," said Yuzu, smiling in sympathy as Nanao covered her face with her hands and started to sob.

Across from them, Kira swayed and suddenly collapsed, landing on top of his drink.

* * *

**Ninth Division: Hisagi Shuuhei (not invited)**

Hisagi Shuuhei sat alone in the darkened administrative office of the Ninth Division, staring at the wall. Apparently, he hadn't been invited, something about not having a captain, and thus, not being able to join them in their complaints. He poured himself a cup of sake from the jug on his desk, his face flushed as he downed it in one sip.

"Well, who needs them anyway?!" he yelled, to no one in particular.

* * *

**END**


End file.
